Wreck

People walk by while my mind fills with white noise. I think today I’ll just disappear into the walls instead. It would be nice to retreat for a moment and put the world on pause. Today, I miss a real connection with you. You answer my messages, but there is no feeling in it. It’s just static responses to my questions that fill my screen, but you don’t ask me anything. There is no interest in how I am feeling or what I’m doing. So I keep asking and asking more throughout the day. That feeling that something else is going on. That nagging feeling that something is horribly wrong keeps bothering me.

I tell you that I miss a connection today, and you talk over it like nothing’s going on. You send a random video, but my interest is completely gone now. I try again and point out what I’m missing, but you decide to ignore it. Maybe you’re doing it on purpose now, or maybe your head isn’t in it. But this is becoming a bit silly now, isn’t it? I will always do what you ask of me, but that’s who I am in this relationship. But maybe I’m too devoted, too invested in making sure everything is to your liking. Maybe I ask too much of you? Or maybe I just ask too little. Am I crazy?

Your fuck buddies will probably not ask as much of you as I do. Because with them it must all be very easy and primitive. It’s just clever jokes and talks of being horny on the apps after all. These people do not force you to ask how their day was. There is no interest in you personally, just how someone would like to fuck you in the ass. To which you will reply that you miss his dick and want to feel it again soon too. I can’t be jealous because you are the one that is in a relationship with me. But why do I suddenly find myself comparing all of them with me? This secret of yours is making me feel insecure on levels that were always out of the question.

Tonight, I talked about you with two of my coworkers while we played a card game called Skip-Bo. “I don’t know if this guy is good enough for you,” one of them said after a few glasses of wine. Those glasses of wine finally giving them the courage to say it out loud. And sadly, it’s not the first time someone has said this to me. I get it; you sound too wild or unstable for people. With all your sexual escapades and things that are left untold for the sake of letting you still feel free. They want stability for me after my last horrendous relationships. Someone who treats me right and loves me for who I am and what I deserve. They’ve seen me suffer, and I’ve seen myself suffer too. I’ve always, consciously and unconsciously, settled for less. But in my eyes you are far from less, and you love me for who I am. Or are these rose-colored love glasses making me blind? I go home with a brain filled with things to think about. And I find myself once again longing to connect with you.

Is a connection too much to ask of you right now? Please ask me how I’m doing. Tell me that you miss me and love me. Tell me that nothing is wrong and I am just making things up. Tell me that there is no secret agenda. I don’t want to have to ask. Please, tell me nothing happened while you were in America.

I’ll retreat into the wall again and watch the world rush by. Waiting patiently for you to come back to me, my love. The screen of my phone lights up, and a notification appears. Even without my glasses on, I can already see it’s you texting me. The world slows down as my heart drops into a bottomless pit.

“I’m in love with someone else. I want to break up.”