How did we get to this point? Like tectonic plates, we painfully scrape against each other and come apart. Fragments of everything we’ve been through together ricochet off mirrors that can no longer hold our memories. Everything crashes into each other, breaking into pieces, destined to end in a smouldering wreckage. It’s freeing and at the same time terrifying. You would have been the last for me, and look where we’ve ended up now.
You fell in love with someone else in America, and now you have ended our relationship. And so everything started moving and changing. You slept on the couch, and I in our bed. Furniture started moving around and eventually disappearing. Photos were changed, and trinkets and keepsakes were thrown away until eventually every trace of you was gone, just like you in the end. I am angry and disappointed. The fear of falling in love with someone else while being in an open relationship has been justified. And I mourn the fact that you have not only taken advantage of my trust. But also desecrated our temple. This house that we built is collapsing in on itself in all its glory. We have spent years together, experiencing life and love in all its beauty. And now, the inevitable end has come so abruptly that I am left in shock. But I too must move on. I’m still alive.
As my eyes adjust to this new world slowly unfolding to me. A web of answers spread out in front of me. We’ve been shadows of what we once were for years. First, the intimacy disappeared, and we stopped touching each other. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, we stopped saying that we loved each other. Eventually, we became like two housemates walking in circles around each other. Almost harmoniously, like a strange distant waltz. But there was always love holding us together, right? A sliver of hope that time would heal again and bring us back together. Love comes and goes, but it never completely disappears, right? And if you can find love again, then so can I.
If I am completely honest, I’m quite scared of what will happen now. Scared of what the future will bring now that all my pathways towards a future together have disappeared. I’m scared of ending up alone again. which for an undefined amount of time will now inevitably happen. I’m afraid of moving houses and then having to move again if things don’t go well. I long for stability, trust, and happiness. I long for the things I deserve, everything that will heal me as a person. Above all, I long for peace within myself again. I want my days to be filled with laughter and joy once more. I’ve waited so long for this. Will I be able to find it once more?
And if I do, will he be my final destination? Will it be like a safe haven where I will finally let this ship come to rest? Like a warm winter’s nest where I will be able to sleep peacefully again. Trying to find the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with is exhausting. Do I dare to take a leap of faith again and trust a man once more? The future will tell. And so, here we go again. I let myself fall back with my eyes closed. Hoping someone will catch me. I don’t know where I found the courage to embark on this adventure again, but life goes on.
The mourning process has begun. And our temple is burning to the ground.
Martijn Winkel 