Martijn Winkel

How did we get to this point?

Like tectonic plates, we painfully grind against each other. Fragments of everything we’ve been through together bounce off mirrors that can no longer hold our memories. Everything shatters and breaks into pieces and will end in a smoldering wreckage. It’s liberating and, at the same time, a terrifying sight to behold. You would have been the one for me, and look where we’ve ended up now.

I’m not angry or disappointed; I can only cry for the sadness of the mourning process. I’ve spent years with you, and we’ve been through so much together. And now comes the inevitable end. We had already been shadows of what we once were for years. First, the intimacy disappeared. Then the loving affirmations stopped. Eventually, we were two housemates who wandered harmoniously in each other’s presence. Like two ghosts drifting along with time passing.

I’m scared. Scared of what the future will bring. Scared of ending up alone again. I’m scared to move and then have to move again if it doesn’t work out. I long for stability, trust, and happiness. I long for the things I deserve, everything that will heal me again as a person. Above all, I long for a piece of a kind peace within myself. I want my days to be filled with laughter and happiness again. I’ve waited so long for this. And now that I seem to have it, I never want to lose it.

Are you my final destination? Are you my safe haven where I will let this ship come to rest? Are you my warm nest where I can sleep soundly? Are you the one who will always make me laugh and a shoulder to cry on? Are you everything I ever wanted? The future will hopefully unveil it all. And if it all fails, darkness has become an old friend to rely on.

So here we go again. I let myself fall into the depths with my eyes closed. Hoping that someone will catch me. I don’t know where to find the courage to take on this adventure again. Maybe your love gives me a bit of hope.

Because life and love should not be compromised.