I am trying my hardest to make it all nice and quiet in my head. I am an idiot waiting for the planet to swallow me whole. My head is a prison and there seems to be no way to escape all the madness. But for my last magical act, I really would like to escape and disappear forever. It is all getting too much for me right now, and I can feel myself floating all the way down. This winding, rough river is picking up more and more speed and dragging me along like a water ride with spinning vortexes, waterfalls and endless depths. Along the ride, my body is crashing against the rocks like a rag doll. A gruesome spectacle to behold as I helplessly flail around, trying to catch my breath.
I am slowly changing into a nasty, spiteful version of myself that I do not recognize. A version that has run out of patience and gets stuck in a rage at the slightest mishap. These months of sleeping horribly on end have finally taken their toll. So what is the price that I have to pay for all of this? Will I lose some friendships because of my behavior? Is my manager offering me a one-on-one session to give me some constructive feedback? My mind wanders off into a maze of endless dead ends. And after wandering for hours on end, I finally let go of everything and gave in to nothingness.
My head opens doors in my mind to any possible way out. I escaped to the woods, where I once wrote bad poetry that I later burned on the beach. Afraid of anyone ever finding out about the fact that I wrote them for a boy that could never love me. I escape to my parents’ backyard under the safety of the canopy, as the rain forms a calming melody on a tin roof. I find myself sitting on my toilet with the door open so I can still hear the noise outside. The warmth and comfort of my bed in the morning on a day off, my horrible morning breath does not bother anyone. Somewhere in a game world online, riding a pink glittery dragon. In the back of a dimly lit venue during a concert waiting for the show to start, on the train at night with Agnes Obel tunes in my noise-cancelling headphones. I feel my tense shoulders slowly resting again. It’s not the end of the world, there are still escape routes. You can breathe again.
‘Take a deep breath with me’, you would say. And so I take a deep breath through my nose and crack my back at the same time. The cracking of my back makes a noise that sounds quite like stepping on branches in the forest. It cracks in displeasure, but then feels perfectly aligned again. I held my breath for a moment and thought of the smell of morning dew in the forest. Then I slowly breathe out through my mouth. A cloud of coffee scent leaves me and the monster leaves my body with it. It’s not nice, and I haven’t always been nice to you lately. The dread of guilt creeps over me and I become apologetic.
Apologizing no longer feels like enough. Because the more often you have to apologize, the more it loses its redeeming value. And so I ask for your understanding now. You are with me at a strange moment in my life. A moment in which everything is in constant change. And you know all too well by now what too much change can do for me. I am a simple man and I like fixed rituals and repetition on a daily basis. But sometimes change is necessary to let go of old pain. To read chapters, finish them and be able to start a new book.
My mind is busy making a new door. It is a new escape route to a safe place of rest. A new way out that I can use after a stressful day. When it has all become too much for a moment. Next to the door hangs a nameplate with our names on it. It is our little house that we share together. Will you wait for me there?
Martijn Winkel 