Playing

As they say, it’s the calm before the storm. But is all of it just a storm caught in a glass jar? I’m stuck in a revolving door, endlessly going in circles without being able to leave this suffocating concrete building. I see myself reflected in the glass of the door, panicking with each full circle. Will I ever get out of this?

Have I really changed, or have I secretly stayed the same after all these years? Does the endless eventually come to an end? Is there still enough time to reflect on all my sins? Is there enough time to sin some more? The revolving door opens up to a way out and finally I can breathe again.

Awaken the beast within me; it’s been sleepwalking here for so long. That sly little devil who’s managed to disguise himself so well for you. That devil you’ve been excitingly talking about for so long. Because you want to see him get out and play dirty so badly. The evilness that you want to show off in public for the whole world to see. The one you want to see do naughty things—but also want to join in with. Because otherwise you might get a little jealous.

Peekaboo, here he is. Take my hand and drag me to that queer playground. Open my sparkling eyes again, and let’s play together. What are the rules of this game? Are we strong enough together to do this? I don’t want to end up crying when I lose this game. Because I hate to lose, and I have already lost so much.

It’s the side of me you’ve only caught glimpses of until now. A side of myself that I usually tuck away in a little box, because every partner I had until now has had no need for it. The mischievous and flirtatious side of me that loves to connect with men. That charming man with twinkling eyes filled with wonder. Who can so easily wrap them around his finger. The man who, after a little taste, will always end up back in bed with you alone. Because you’re truly the one who tastes the best. You know I will always come back to you.

Why do you want to see this side so badly and be a part of that flirtatious game? Because you find it exciting—I get that. Why just pick the same meal out of a buffet over and over again? I understand the need for a palate cleanser every now and then. But does that make me your salt or your spice mix? You still surprise me sometimes. If not by what you actually want compared to my exes, then by the simple, homely contrast that stands in stark opposition to these games we are playing.

I shouldn’t make it more complicated than it is. Connecting with people and eventually giving in to desire—that’s all it is. Love and desire can be two different things. If only I could always tell myself this so easily, with such conviction. Then it wouldn’t be so hard for me when you seek out other men without me. Let’s start by making agreements, and then my little devil will naturally come out to play with you. Everything is built on trust, so teach me to trust again in sharing this buffet. For now, I’ll choose the game and lay the rules on the table. Maybe then we’ll both win together and have reasons to celebrate.

I’ll pass the salt.