I change my mind so much that I can no longer keep track of it. You might be wondering why I haven’t texted much in the past two weeks. My mind was filled with sorrow from missing you and bitterness of you not answering. And apparently, after a while, I no longer really care about investing in making contact with you. Maybe it was too painful for me to constantly think about you. But I still did, so what difference did it make? You are having fun and don’t really have time to text me back except for when I’m sleeping.
We already knew I was madly in love with you. But I didn’t expect that I would long for you so much while you were in America. The first week without you was heartbreaking and even manifested in a weird form of physical pain. It’s a cliche, I know. Loving someone so much that it hurts. Sometimes life can be like in the movies. I felt almost betrayed in a strange way too. How were you so cool with all of this? And why did it hurt me so much? Wouldn’t a vacation together have been so much more fun? I never expected I would miss you this much, that it would cause me so much sadness. It felt as though someone had prematurely taken away the puppy I had received for my birthday just a few days earlier. Never to return again. Do you still miss me too?
The day before you left, you were sleeping peacefully on my lap while I was playing Sekiro on the PlayStation. Slashing away all kinds of monsters just to distract my brain from the fact that you would soon be leaving. That night, I almost didn’t dare sleep next to you, afraid it would be too painful. It seems silly now, but my brain was trying all kinds of things to ease the pain. I knew what the inevitable goodbye would do to me, but maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I didn’t want you to leave at all, especially not for such a long time. But as painful as it was going to be, missing each other would confirm what we already knew. That we cared for each other, loved one another and would love to spend every day together after your holiday.
The next morning, we said our goodbyes at the airport, and with it, you took that little devil off my shoulder. There was no reason for me to play with other people now. You said that it might help with the loneliness if I let other men come into our bed. That was painful too; you know that it would not be the same as touching you. And so, for two weeks, I told everyone at work how much I missed you. And how I counted down the days until you’d be back. I’ve never cried as much as I have these past two weeks. I had never felt a longing for someone so intensely before.
I missed you during a time when I needed you more than I wanted to admit. Because it was not just you leaving for America; it was also a turning point in me having to deal with some unfinished business. Some bridges I had to burn, boxes I had to unpack and decisions I had to make. All of them circling back to you in the end. So once you’d come back, we could start something new. And now, thankfully, the end is almost in sight. Soon, I’ll finally sleep like a baby in your arms again. No more fear and pain, just laughter and joy.
Did you miss me too?
Martijn Winkel 