Jawbreaker

I cramp the muscles in my jaw because I try to open my mouth too fast and too wide. I’m too greedy for what I’m trying to eat. I’ve never been very good at moderation. The cocktails I make are too strong, my love is too much, and my obsessions last too long. The windows shatter, and the walls of my cathedral crack. If I don’t get what I want, then at the very least, I want power. I am an object of destruction and infinite rage.

And if I could, I would raise my hand. I am a drowning man, caught between life and death, my legs flailing in panic underwater. The salty sea fills my mouth, suffocating me as the sun is blazing high above me. Please, take my hand and save me. It’s only a matter of time now before my energy runs out, and I slowly drift to the bottom of the ocean. I can’t seem to figure out how I suddenly ended up at this point. Of course, you did see this coming. As always, you saw right through me. I am a rat blindly walking into a trap with a delicious piece of cheese, breaking my neck because of my excitement. I just wanted it so I could keep on going. A good night’s sleep, a strong cup of coffee, something or anything to get me through the day.

My nails rip open and break from scratching at the lid of this coffin. I’m just a small child with emotions shooting out like unguided missiles. I no longer have the desire or energy to control them anyway. Let them fly, explode, and cause havoc and misery. It’s happening again. The uninvited guest dusts off his chair, and he sits down and sticks the butter knife in my hand. With a wide grin on his face, he stares at me while the dinner table fills with an icy silence. I’m tired, and my head is slowly filling with uncertainty. But this too shall pass.

I have trouble asking for help, but apparently accepting help is even harder for me. I’m so used to constantly taking on the care-giving role for others, that I have completely forgotten about myself in the process. I’m the giver, but if I’m always the one giving, what’s left out there for me? Who will take care of me now? It goes hand in hand with not being able to sit still, this constant need to give. There’s always a cup to put in the dishwasher, a toilet to clean and flush, or a pillow to adjust. Would you like something to drink? Something to eat? Do you want to do something? Is something wrong? Do you hate me?

Just writing about it right now is exhausting. But fortunately, not every day is like this. I can also happily lie next to you on the couch in complete peace. And then you genuinely make me feel calm. And maybe that’s exactly it — a physical affirmation from you that this is enough for now. That you don’t need anything more than this. Just being together and relaxing. Your chest slowly rose and fell. My heartbeat falls in line with yours. Can you teach me how to do this? Make it all quiet in my chest. Put that carousel in my head on standby. Or better yet, turn it off and send it to the scrapyard. It has become a cold and abandoned fairground.

I wake up and change hangs in the air, and the corners of my mouth pull downward. A grim smile plays across my face as my head dangles over the edge of the bed. A cold breeze grazes my back, and a sea of goosebumps spreads like oil across still water. There is a strange beauty in the destruction. And from the ashes, the seeds of renewal will begin to sprout. My head feels heavy, hollow almost. When everything is in constant flux, peace becomes a stranger. A long-lost friend.

One, two, three. Here comes my vulnerability again in waves. As acid reflux involuntarily rising and filling my cheeks. I want to release myself from all this tension. Earthworms dance around each other in a glass jar. My face can hide nothing, I’m an open book that cannot lie. I’m done ruining my life with all the complicated moments. I am an object of sorrow and stolen feelings. I let myself fall in the end, and I admit all my mistakes.

I can be cruel, and I don’t know why. Why does my eyesight keep getting worse? Where does the lifeline in my hand end? Why won’t my kite stay up on a windy day? Why does the sun set for nothing? Crushed flowers lie hidden beneath the snow. Lovers turn vengeful, and I sleep through it all. Let me sleep and don’t wake me up. My little nose softly bubbling with snot. Let me gently drool with my head in your lap in peace and safety. You only need to be there. Because being there is enough.

Beware of pickpockets at this station. I spin in circles around my own axis. Eventually, my core implodes, and I begin again from stardust. Rub the sleep from my eyes and wake me from my dreams. Today is a new day, a new beginning with you. And together we will build our own paradise. Lift me higher and higher until I can see over the fence. Show me the greener grass on the other side, and I will believe in it.