The infinite emptiness grabs me by the neck and makes my breathing falter. Like a rusted machine, I sputter it out with great difficulty. There seems to be no end to this maze of stairs and elevators. It’s a factory of doom, but I’ve come too far to turn back now. The machinist is hiding somewhere here, and with every descent, he gets closer. I can feel it, and somewhere, nervously hidden, he will feel me coming too. He can’t hide forever. The coward doesn’t even dare to face me in his steel palace. The balance is gone, and that’s what leads to situations like this.
I wake up with a start, and my heart is racing. My watch gives me a vibration to make it clear that my heart rate is elevated. Thanks, I was aware of that by now. Irritated, I swipe the notification off my watch like a mosquito flying by my ear. Surprised, I look around as if reality is a dream. I lie there, staring ahead, still a little stunned. I must have left the light on while I fell asleep, something that rarely happens. I must have been incredibly tired to fall asleep like that. Sometimes the days pass by as if it’s a simulation. But sometimes, days seem to catch up with me, like now. When dreams and reality start to merge.
I’m tired when I shouldn’t be tired. And as soon as I want to go to bed, my body stays switched on. I think back to what my mother always used to say. As long as you’re lying in bed, your body gets rest. Sleep will come naturally after. A trick to at least keep me in bed, rather than sneaking out again to do all sorts of things. I’ve always felt like I didn’t have enough time. Because at night, I came alive, and that’s still the case. At night and in the evening, that’s when creation comes out to play. So why wouldn’t I stay awake?
During the day, I tried to create something. But even with a whole day’s worth of impressions from an amusement park, I couldn’t come up with anything to create. No sentence came to mind, to form a brand-new story from. But now that my head touches my pillow, a whole story starts rolling out. So I write it all down again. A defection from the state I’m in. Reflections of a dark pool from a world within. Part of me would like it to be different, but you can’t choose who you fall in love with. And my heart chose the night long ago. So that’s where I live the most.
Martijn Winkel 