Anxious

I’m sorry if sometimes I am a bit too much. I’m a simple guy with feelings that I can barely contain or control. Like a small child walking with a huge dog, it’s only a matter of time before chaos ensues. The dog sees a bird flying away and instantly chases after it. The child is helplessly dragged through the mud trying to stop the dog. But the dog is too strong, and suddenly, the roles are reversed. Who is walking whom now? And that’s how it is with my emotions too. Most of the time, I have them under control, but lately, unfortunately, they’ve been taking over. And I feel a little ashamed of that. Sometimes I am the huge dog, sometimes I am the small child. Either way I am easily distracted and I lose control.

I’m ashamed, because this is not how I want to be for you. This anxious and broken man can barely control himself. Why does this whole trip of yours put all my trust in you to the test? Why do all these things you might be doing suddenly make me so insecure? You know me much differently than this too; it’s just a phase I have to get through, I’m sure.

Please don’t forget that my whole world has changed in so little time. A blooming romance in a new city in a brand new house. With new friends, additional new family and possibly even a new job soon. I’m leaning on you a bit more now because you are my safety net. My rock and my shoulder. One day, I’ll offer you the same safety that you’re giving me now. But I need your support now. I am still learning how to navigate in this open relationship and I need your help and guidance sometimes. Please be patient with me and my feelings.

It feels good to slowly free myself from my past burdens. It will only be happy tears tonight, I promise. I’m cool on my own, but I’m warmer in your arms. We have something beautiful and unique, don’t you agree? And above all, we have something that can still grow and bloom into a beautiful garden. How beautiful is that? No, scratch that, it will grow into a beautiful weeping willow instead. You will probably say I am being dramatic again, but it will offer us shade on hot summer days. It will keep us dry on rainy days. And some safety and comfort with its long branches. Somewhere only we know. Teach me how to navigate this maze of emotions.

A rustling keychain sounds vaguely in the background as my ears point up and adjust themselves to the sound. You twist the key and enter our home and drop your heavy bags on the floor. I rush to the front door as my eyes start welling up. All the emotions of the past weeks come rushing in as I throw myself on you. You wrap your strong arms around me and gently rub my back as tears fall on your shoulder. But where there was warmth before, it is now gone.

Something doesn’t feel right.