This chapter is currently being edited and revised. It will soon be finished!
It didn’t end with just that one evening with the handsome giant. Otherwise, this would have been a very short story. Once the interest is there, you want to get to know someone better. And if it turns out it’s not a match, then so be it. That one night together at the queer festival was enough to make me interested enough in him to not be able to let go. So, I kept sending him text messages, and the conversation between us just went on and on. The common thread of the chat was parties, since that’s where we started. When you meet someone, it’s a blank canvas. Everything that comes afterward fills that canvas into a person. First in a way that you want someone to see you, and then, slowly, the true colors and imperfections emerge. And you get the full picture of someone. Flaws and all.
He was pretty direct and clear in our conversations about the fact that he was not looking for a relationship or to commit to anything. Because he was just enjoying his freedom and exploring, which I was totally fine with. Or maybe I just pretended that I was okay with it. I guess this cancels out any romantic dreams I might have. Then again, I much prefer someone to be direct and clear, rather than finding out later what their actual intentions are. Especially if I’m investing time to get to know them. What could that make me in a possible future though?
The shared interest was still there, something we both may not have expected. This doesn’t often happen after a random encounter at a party; those fleeting and lustful meetings usually end quickly with the morning sun. Usually, only after sex, but of course, we had skipped that part last time. Well, at least I consciously skipped it by taking the train home, avoiding a threesome with his ex. So, we decided to meet on the next Friday that week. Just to see if the connection was still there in person and without the stimulants of drugs. The week passed by slowly and finally Friday arrived with me in a subway in Amsterdam. This time without a party outfit, but I still made an effort in presenting myself nicely. I guess you could kind of see it as a date.
With the escalator going up, I found my way out of the subway station. Somewhere on a street in Amsterdam, at a crossing I had never been before. It did not really help with the nerves that crept up on me. But it was a beautiful Summer day in the buzzing city. People in shorts and slippers, all busy with their own plans. I sent him a message that I had arrived and started looking for him in the crowd across the street. Suddenly, I recognized his striking gray hair. Even without my glasses, I could see that he was smiling at me from across the street. He was holding his bike in the other hand and patiently waited for me as the traffic light turned green and I approached him. Butterflies started fluttering around in my stomach from excitement. He still looked just as handsome in the daylight, maybe even more so. He gave me a big hug over his bike and muttered a soft “hello”. As we started walking to the next location. He asked if I was doing well as I was nervously smiling at him. I’m already having fun, ofcourse I am doing well.
We decided to stop by the supermarket on the way to his house to get some drinks and food. The Summer sun was still blazing, so we needed something to cool down. Unexpectedly, he kissed me right in the middle of the supermarket. Maybe he had wanted to do this when we met on the street, but was cautiously unsure, just like me, about how to greet each other. No one had ever kissed me in public like that before, so it caught me a little off guard. Right after that, asked if I had already had lunch, but to be honest, I wasn’t that hungry anymore. The display of public affection threw the stomach butterflies into a tornado. He spoke softly and seemed a little tired. So, I did my best to understand him, which fortunately went much better now than at the loud festival. I really need to buy earplugs to save what’s left of my ears next time.
Once we arrived at his house, we got into a deeper conversation, and he pointed out that I was pacing back and forth in his living room. He asked if I was nervous, and I partially admitted it. It’s just something I do when I need to find my place in new spaces and locations. Some dumbbells near the window, a big comfortable couch, lots of plants, trinkets from Japan and a PlayStation were the first few things that caught my eye. Like puzzle pieces they formed an image of the man sitting on the couch. The pacing back and forth is almost like a mental exploration, creating a map of where I am at that moment and how I can escape again. And yes, I can totally understand how this sounds when you read it like that. Maybe I was marking new territory. Like a dog turning in its bed ten times before gracefully flopping down, sighing deeply, and almost instantly falling asleep. So, in the end, I ended up next to him on the couch.
The conversation shifted to the topic of drug use and partying. After all, that’s how we had met before at the queer festival. As it goes, we immediately got excited about partying and, as luck would have it, I had some drugs with me. It was Friday after all, but we both didn’t feel like going out. So I thought we could just take some drugs in his living room on the couch instead. That way, we could relive the festival experience, but without his ex and other distractions. Come to think of it, where was that ex now? But that was probably a conversation for another time. We did not have any important obligations the following day. So in the end, we took half a pill of XTC, also to cancel out some of the nerves. We got deeper into conversation about our past, and he pointed out that my pupils started slightly trembling. It’s then when I decided to kiss him on the lips, the nervousness finally wearing off completely.
With the effects of the XTC not being that intense, we took some 2C-B too and not much later we were lying entwined and sweaty in bed. We had wanted to see each other naked after the queer festival, so this wish finally came true. I was still a little in awe of how impressive his body was. Broad shoulders, pecs and a perfect v-line along his hips. I know there is a specific word for that, but don’t blame me for not knowing it. His thighs being bigger than my head and his butt, my god what a beautiful ass. Two perfect round buns, freshly baked at the village’s award-winning bakery. With my love-hate relationship with the gym, it’s nice when you can not only see but also feel the results of hard work. But then again it could also just be good genes and a fortunate outcome. Meanwhile my own bodily insecurities were tucked in bed for now thanks to the effects of the drugs. Those would probably come back to haunt me in the morning, but for now they were kept hidden. Everyone is insecure about something, some are just better at hiding it.
I know how superficial this all sounds, but physical attraction is also important. And how could I say no to all of this? It reminded me of certain bara themed books that I read. A simple internet search will probably give you all you need to know. We all have our tastes and fantasies. We had sex, as far as that was possible while being high as a kite on drugs. We kissed and cuddled intensely, I left scratches on his back and he made me moan with pleasure. Our bodies were new territory for each other to explore. All that would come after this did not really matter to me, or it would at least give me the satisfaction of having experienced it once. As much as I would have liked to stay after all of this, I had something planned for the next morning again. And this time I really had something scheduled and it was not a lie to get me out of a threesome. It’s a shame that time always seems to pass by much quicker when you are having fun.
And so I had to put on some clothes again and it all abruptly ended. Sweat dripping off my back and onto the wooden flooring. I’m sorry, I will clean that up later I promise. With my clothes scattered throughout the house, he decided to help me gather them. A final game with decided to play. He held my underwear tightly in his hands, teasing me not to put them back on again. Now, don’t do this to me handsome giant. You know I hate to leave, especially after all of this. With everything back on again we gave each other one final kiss in the doorway and I made my way outside and towards the train station. On the train home, I immediately asked him if I could come by again tomorrow to stay the night. Very direct, but I had the feeling that we were on the same wavelength. He immediately responded enthusiastically and I was welcome the next day. I had a new addiction in the form of a handsome giant.
In the end, we ended up spending that whole weekend together because the few hours on Friday just weren’t enough. Apart from what I had scheduled on Saturday morning. We wanted more time to be together, to do more things and talk even more. Since gaming was a big shared interest we played a lot of video games on his PlayStation. I had come prepared and stuffed a lot in my backpack because I didn’t know what we would be doing. Were we going to have a lot of sex? Would we go out and dance? Would we go on a date, eat nicely at a restaurant, and then go to the movies? From jockstraps to soothing shower gel, from going-out clothing to face masks, everything was in my backpack. Something we could laugh about afterward because nothing was actually used after the weekend had passed. Occasionally we left our little couch island to grab snacks and drinks from the kitchen. It was just too hot to do anything active. And spending the whole day with him glued to my side was exactly what I needed. What we both needed.
He asked me how I had imagined our weekend together, perhaps a bit afraid of me having other expectations. I had indeed expected that we would have done a bit more than hang around on a couch all weekend. But despite that, I really enjoyed it. Or was he perhaps a little embarrassed because maybe he was not quite his normal energetic self? It didn’t matter much to me. I was just happy to get to know him better in his own environment. This time, without the veil of drugs, I saw a completely different side of him. Calm and collected and softly spoken. Without the distractions of loud music, other people and stimuli. The only stimuli I had were butterflies in my stomach and in my head. I also can’t remember the last time I fell asleep with someone, their arms wrapled around me tightly. He had gently held my hand as he suddenly fell into a deep sleep saturdaynight. It was too hot for me to even sleep, so I just lay in the dark staring at his beautiful face. I was also just processing what exactly I was experiencing. I was lying next to a handsome man who, in a very short time, I had started to really like.
A few weeks have passed since that weekend, and our contact only intensified. We sent each other messages daily and the chat basically never stopped, except when we were both sleeping. And even then, we preferred to delay sleeping as long as possible so we could continue talking. A strange new obsession in the form of a human. Because of this, I also made some notes to map out my feelings and thoughts. I’ve been doing this for years as a kind of self-reflection diary, but usually, no one reads these stories except for me. I told him about this the other day, and of course, he wanted me to read some of my notes. After some random stories about my love for Rotterdam, losing parts of yourself with time and experiences, and a bit about weirdly tasting toothpaste, I eventually came to the part about falling in love. In that part, I described painfully clearly what he had told me, that he was not looking for a relationship, and how despite that, feelings from my side had still emerged. Of course, he immediately picked up on it and asked if this was about him. He saw right through me.
We were lying together on the couch, listening to each other, and the conversation then shifted from my story to the bigger picture of love. He told me that he didn’t really remember the last time he was in love with someone, or if he even truly knew the feeling of being in love. When do you know for sure when it starts and when it ends? You feel it ofcourse, but how do you explain that feeling to someone? Maybe I’m on the other side of it, feeling too much all the time and too quickly. And I knew right there and then something was growing inside of me.
I’m not always proud of the relationships I’ve had in the past and how they ended. But each man was exactly what I needed at that point in my life. And they all gave me something beautiful in return. I don’t really understand how people can look back on a relationship bitterly forever. Maybe it wasn’t always beautiful or good for my mental health, and at times it hurt me more than it helped. But this is also why they’re exes. At some point, you just don’t fit together anymore, and you go your separate ways. But what you learned from those relationships, you take with you.
I realized in that moment on the couch that my handsome giant probably didn’t share the same feelings as I did. He is not in love, because what we have is just liking each other and having a certain special connection. We tried to give it a name, this constant meeting each other and enjoying each other’s presence. “Maybe we’re lovers,” he said after thinking about it for a long time. Lovers, yes, that sounds good. But it also causes a bit of confusion for me. Because I’m trying to keep him at arm’s length so I don’t fall for him completely. And if we start calling each other lovers now, it sounds like we’re more than just people who like each other. It’s terrible how you stop thinking rationally when you start having feelings for someone. I did not express my confusion, though, because I’m afraid he would take our little label back.
We breathe and operate in two completely different worlds, and yet we have all sorts of things in common. He spends more time in reality, and I’m somewhere in dreamland most of the time. I feel strangely older, even though we’re only a year apart in age. And yet, we’re so similar in so many ways that it feels like we’ve met before. We found out that we had both been to various concerts and parties together without realizing it. The better concerts often take place in Amsterdam, with bigger venues attracting bigger artists. I mentioned some artists that I often listen to and the concerts I had been to over the years. And it turned out we might have been able to run into each other around six times before.
Maybe we saw each other in the crowd, or maybe I am just romanticizing things. It’s not that uncommon for us to go to the same concert if the artist is on tour. Maybe we just didn’t notice each other, but how could we? We were in different phases of our lives, and I was probably in a relationship at the time and didn’t have eyes for anyone else. Or maybe we did see each other, just like at the festival, and forgot about it again. Luckily, after all these years, we’ve now found each other. My romantic side would probably call this fate.
There are also less pleasant conversations between us. When he talks about some guy he had sex with the night before, I realize I’d rather not hear that from him. I know we’re not exclusive, but I don’t want to be wondering about this every time we meet. And I know this is dangerous too, because these annoying thoughts of mine could turn into jealousy. Not only confirming that I might have more feelings, but also digging up a bit of insecurity of my own.
I think by now I can’t avoid it anymore. He explained what his boundaries were in advance and made it clear what won’t happen between us. He warned me about everything, and yet here I am with feelings for him. Maybe I can just enjoy this without expectations? If I can convince my head and my heart, at least. I’m still navigating through this new territory where we’re lovers with a little handbook. He has a life that doesn’t suddenly change because of my presence. When I’m not around, he will continue to be intimate with other men, because we are not exclusive. These are the agreements we’ve made, and only time will tell what that makes of me. A temporary infatuation? A future good friend or maybe nothing at all. It all seems to be much easier for him than for me. I need to learn not to create certain rosey expectations for myself. Otherwise, this won’t end well.
On Sunday, he told me that I was a handsome man and that he felt safe with me and I feel safe with him too. Everything so far feels very natural and easygoing. He is the kind of man I never thought would have eyes for me. After the weekend, he thanked me over the phone for being so sweet and caring while he was tired and worn out. I told him it did not matter to me, I enjoyed our time regardless. And so the next week slowly went on, and his schedule was already full with appointments. But with whom?
I wave away the sting of jealousy in my mind, like a fly buzzing around the room. Enjoy the moment. “You’re a crazy guy. Not crazy, unique compared to the rest,” he said. But what does this exactly mean?
Martijn Winkel 